A few weeks ago, I finally caved and watched some reality tv. It’s really not normally my cup of tea, but as a massive fan of social deduction games, ‘The Traitors’ seemed like a must-see.
I can spot most of the typical reality TV manipulations, the emotional backstories and the music either overtly tense or sad. Most of this leaves me cold, interested in the game but not emotional. All of that changed in episode 3.
****** Spoilers ahead ******
Aaron, who in an earlier episode had mentioned he was an ADHDer, was accused by many of the group of being a traitor, including Wilf someone he thought he was bonding well with. His reaction was extreme, according to some in the group. He had to leave the room and seemed to me to have many of the symptoms of a panic attack. To many, this reaction may have seemed false or inexplicable, and Maddy and John certainly thought so. I didn’t I had a very different reaction. It seemed not only genuine but really familiar. I, like many neurodivergent people, have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.
I’m sure you’ll understand the first two words the third, dysphoria, comes from the Greek for ‘difficult to bear’. I can tell you that’s a massive understatement. It’s not that neurodivergents are weak or fragile, it’s that the sensations brought on by rejection are intense and often completely overwhelming in people with RSD. Whether this is a result of the way neurodivergents are wired or the fact that neurodivergents are so much more likely to have been rejected in their lives, whether in love, in friendship or at work, isn’t fully understood. Although the research so far suggests that at least some of it is genetic so we will never be rid of it completely.
We can help ourselves, those we care about or the people we work with, but first, we need to better understand how this condition can impact them. Broadly, RSD leads to one of two main behaviours, and any individual can exhibit either or both.
- The first is avoidance, the individual retreating away from situations involving a risk of failure. People like this will simply not put themselves in any situation where they can be rejected or mocked. They’ll shy away from job interviews, asking a girl out or even just initiating social situations.
- The other main presentation is people pleasing. Presenting a subtly altered version of themselves to meet the needs and expectations of whoever they are dealing with. This can lead to them becoming so lost in these false fronts that they begin to forget about their own needs, so busy are they focussing on everyone else.
I readily identify with both groups, the latter being particularly damaging to me as it led to an identity crisis. Thankfully, identifying myself as autistic during the interview process and being accepted has allowed me to present myself as someone much closer to my true self.
For people pleasers, end-of-year reviews (EOYR) can be a traumatic time. It’s EOYR season right now, and just anticipation of a grade lower than perfect has the impact of making me quite emotional. This is more than just imposter syndrome, which is endemic in the tech industry and worthy of its own discussion. It’s more visceral than imposter syndrome and, most importantly, can come on frighteningly quickly, just as it did for Aaron in that room. This rapid onset means that there aren’t really coping strategies, as the sensation will overwhelm you before your conscious brain can get going.
So what can we do to help people in this situation? Firstly, if you see someone react like this to a rejection. Treat them without judgement, let them calm down and just be there quietly, offering support. You saw that behaviour in how Davina and the camera crew took Aaron outside and gave him his space and, importantly, time. It would have been most respectful to stop filming, but this is reality TV, and if they hadn’t, I couldn’t use it as an example.
Secondly, if this sounds like you, please talk to someone you trust, either a professional or a close friend. Because while formal therapy or talking about it isn’t particularly effective at dealing with individual episodes, I have found it’s helped me find more happiness and be more myself, which has reduced the number of episodes. There is, happily, also medication that can help, so if this sounds familiar to you and you’d like to change it, it’s worth talking to your GP about. There are a couple of different options with the medications, so if the first doesn’t work for you, don’t get disheartened there are other options.